We did it.

We survived our first Christmas season without Stephen.

Stephen’s last Christmas with us was fraught with tension and anxiety. We were prepping for 3 months away from him as he got ready for a stem-cell transplant. He was very tired the days leading up to Christmas and I was putting in all kinds of hours to keep our event space afloat; it irked me to have him give me the silent treatment on Christmas eve. He was being a grinch on Christmas and didn’t want to come out to open presents in the morning with the kids. As I continued to prod him as he slept away his last Christmas morning, he eventually told me that he was upset because he wasn’t able to get presents for anyone. Of course I choked back tears when I told him that he was enough. That was our last fight.

With Stephen being sick the last two Christmases, it was difficult to remember what a “normal” Christmas was. Stephen’s leukemia made him very susceptible to all kinds of infection so ordinary activities like going to mass as a family or a family outing were not in the books for us. A few months after he died I was certain that I was not spending Christmas at home, I wanted to go somewhere hot and do something different; but as December neared, the kids spoke about visiting Daddy on Christmas and I just couldn’t say no to that. But the questions of normalcy remained: Where did we spend Christmas Eve before Stephen got too sick? What was our family tradition? What did we do the day after Christmas? For a single mom trying to navigate life and build a foundation for my kids, family tradition is important because I feel that it grounds us during times of turmoil. I know for instance that my mom has made Christmas lunch for us since moving here to Canada; we hardly know what to do with ourselves when my parents go away for Christmas. I want that for my kids, a steadfast rhythm to life.

So this year, we kept some old things. We picked out our ornaments at our favourite craft fair – although it was brought to my attention that there aren’t any Christmas ornaments with one parent and four kids. We slept by the Christmas tree and sipped hot chocolate on Christmas Eve, and like most of the world we opened presents on Christmas morning.

We did new things too: this year we did Advent! After reading “The Catholic All year Compedium,” by Kendra Tierney, I knew I wanted to implement two things. First, we were going to make an advent wreath. Second was that the Christmas tree was not going up until Christmas Eve. What I did not anticipate was the four weeks of sick children during Advent. Noah spent half of Advent cocooned on the couch, sleeping off a fever. Oliver had a constant fever, wouldn’t eat and went back in the baby wrap so he could be held throughout the day. There was vomit – lots of vomit; and a growing mountain of unattended laundry. My house was quiet; but eerily so.

Was it a blessing that my two smaller kids were horribly sick for most of Advent? I think so. I had no time to flit from one event to another because my kids were sick. I had no time to fuss over the Christmas decor because my kids just wanted to be held. I was forced to slow down this season and just be with my children; and what a gift that was.

Christmas Eve was spent putting up the tree, ordering pizza, reading stories, and sleeping by the tree. We placed an ornament on Stephen’s grave on Christmas morning. I marvelled at the foresight of God as we celebrated the feast of St. Stephen the day after Christmas.We spent the next eleven blissful nights crammed on our couch, huddled under mountains of blankets, sleeping by the lights of our tree. I enjoyed the slowness of the season and the miracle of healing as my boys finally got over their illness. The tree came down after Marcus turned 6 on the Feast of the Epiphany and my kids asked if we can do that again next Christmas.

We will. We will because my kids deserve a steady rhythm of life. And this year it is not going to be about hospital visits any more.